My Second First Mother's Day...Part II

Every few days I add a post to this, my Dante shrine!  He is a little bright light shining in my life-- even when I'd like to be sleeping, my little light never goes out.  But while there is only one precious child to fill my arms, there are two who fill my heart.  On Mother's Day especially, I miss my baby Demetri, whose little light is a distant star that shines down day and night.  I was blessed to hold and love him for 9 unforgettable months, before he was mysteriously carried far, far away, beyond my reach on November 12th 2009.  These are the happiest of my very sad pictures of him, because in them he is still alive and closer than ever to my heart...

6 Months

Eight and a half months

9 Months

Painted from a photo by Janelle Maas

 

The following is from my baby journal last November...

My One and Only Demetri,

    You are part of who I am becoming.  I would not be the one I am today without you... our months together and even our separation.  And I want you to know that who I will be tomorrow and for the rest of my life will in many ways be linked to my love for you.

   I just watched the video of your memorial for the first time and I was reminded of all the people who loved you and gathered around us.  We are all so weak, Demetri.  We don't know much and we are needy.  We have so many needs and desires affecting us that we can't even identify.  We are all fragile like you were, my baby.  But we do well in the time that we have, if we share our love with each other and cherish the hours we have available.

     Tonight in my sleep I was awakened by your baby brother's hand.  What a precious little hand!  We had such a tender moment together that I will never forget it.  It reminded me of my Demetri.  I was lucky to be able to love you, my baby, even for the short little time.  How precious and tender you were.  I can never forget our time together or my love for you.

On February 13, 2010

Dear Demetri,

     You are so cute.  Do you know how badly I wish I could hold you and feel your weight and warmth?  Your face is beautiful.  

     It's been 3 months to the day since you were born.  I love you.  I miss your body curled up inside of me.  The thought of you makes me smile.  You lived under the gentle caress of my hand.  My belly was your world and my touch your only friend to play with.  My voice was the night song in your dark sky, a song about the morning, which you never saw.

     In my heart is so much love for you...still so much space for you to fill.  My darling baby~one.  Please don't be far away.  Come and rest close to my chest where I can feel your warmth and soothe you.  You are mine and always shall be.

On December 16, 2009

I am jealous of God

He's heard my baby cry

He sees his little face

his little arms, legs, hands and feet

He has no end of babies and a vast store of mothers' tears

tears he saves for only he knows why

     But I know, 

     we mothers who grieve know why he saves our tears

To fill his endless ocean

The sea that never rests and never calms

We've given too much credit to the moon

For we mothers know why the waves rise and fall,

by the longing of our tears

For our hearts are ever reaching for the children we can't hold

We rise to hear faint echos of their little voices

Because we each hope to hear our own baby calling mommy

     And we fall again defeated

     and wait to gain the strength

     to rise again and again and again

The words expressed here are barely a hint of the sorrow I felt after the loss of my little one, but this is part of the reality of love and motherhood: sometimes boundless joy, and at other times boundless tears.